"Giraffes are the perfect choice — they’re not perceived as leaning masculine (like lions or sharks) or feminine (like horses)."
"If anything, some say, the giraffe is overdue for the larger fame it’s enjoying of late."
“‘It’s a really easy unisex animal,’ says Ali Wing, founder of Giggle.com”
"On top of that, as an animal with African roots, the giraffe fits perfectly into our growing global consciousness."
“‘Giraffes are definitely a top-five animal,’ says Chris Gober.”
"Lettuce is the giraffe’s snack of choice."
"Sophie the Giraffe, a French-made teething toy in the shape of the animal…is so popular that the number of teethers sold actually tops the number of children born."
"As Houston Zoo spokesman Brian Hill says, it’s a bit hard to top the giraffe — literally."
Don Jon is a movie about Joseph Gordon Levitt and Scarlett Johansson having sex without ever actually getting naked onscreen. It’s also a movie during which I was only awake for approximately 35 cumulative minutes. Had I known about the aforementioned lack of nudity, I probably would have just stayed home and slept in my actual bed rather than dozing off in a crowded theater in between my friend and a stranger in a performance fleece.
JGL plays the titular Don Jon, someone who I thought lived in Staten Island but then learned actually lives in New Jersey. As someone who spent a considerable amount of my formative life in the Garden State, I cannot locate this particular part of New Jersey that is home to people who look and sound like that, but I will take JGL’s word for it.
Don Jon has a job although we don’t know what it is. He has a car and we know he isn’t racist because his best friend is black. His other best friend is basically Turtle from Entourage. In any case, he loves porn a lot and also loves women, but porn a little bit more. Until one day when he meets ScarJo at a nightclub and is so mesmerized that the fact that her name is Barbara Sugarman doesn’t even deter him.
Then I fell asleep.
When I woke up, Jon was dry humping Barbara in a hallway and she was making him promise to go back to school? Idk, fell asleep again.
Then I woke up again and Jon was in confession at church so back to sleep.
Then Tony Danza was suddenly onscreen, his voice sounding like it always has but his face looking like it’s being controlled from within by a team of Lucasfilm puppeteers straight from the set of The Empire Strikes Back. Tony Danza, what has happened? Also, Brie Larson plays Jon’s sister and is too good to be in a role where she sits silently the whole time and types on her phone. It was all so disconcerting that I began to do that thing where you start to fall asleep and your head bobs and you jerk it awake again, except I let myself fall asleep. No jerking.
Speaking of, the movie is littered with shots of JGL masturbating with abandon (from the waist up), like so many used Kleenex in an Ikea trash bin. That was often my cue to rests my eyes, because once you’ve seen JGL’s tense, drama-school-exercise masturbation face once, you’ve really seen it enough.
The next thing I knew, Julianne Moore was making out with Don Jon behind a pillar outside of night school, so I must have been out for awhile, because I have no idea how that happened or where Barbara Sugarman went.
Sometimes Julianne Moore is awesome in movies, and sometimes she’s just the kind of lady who looks like she works at a vegan food store and has breath that smells of warm soy milk. Unfortunately, for the 10 minutes of screen time I saw featuring Julianne, she seemed real lactose-adverse.
At one point she taught JGL how to make love (as opposed to have sex) and they stared in each others’ eyes for awhile and she never took off her chambray tunic, which is SO WEIRD. Who doesn’t take off their chambray tunic when they’re making love? I can see leaving your chambray tunic on if you’re just having a quickie with someone you met at the health food store, but if you’re so love with someone that you want to look them in the eye and teach them what it means to be a man while they whimper-cum, then you definitely want to remove your chambray tunic. It just doesn’t make sense, so I fell asleep again out of sheer disgust.
Next thing I know, house lights were on and credits rolling to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, which was by far the best two cognizant minutes I had all night.
In summation: Don Jon is a movie. I have no idea if it’s good or bad, so maybe see it and decide for yourself?
Or don’t, whatever.
“I’ve spent the better part of my adult life being seen in public with little more than a pair of black shorts. I’m like Richard Simmons except way more buff and way more straight. Getting dressed up means wearing a black T-shirt and some really basic dark pants. If that gets me into the What Not To Wear Hall of Shame, so be it. Fuck clothes. The more time you spend worrying about clothes, the less time you have to grab life by the balls. You ever see a cheetah obsess over scarves and pocket squares? No. You see a cheetah bolt 70 miles an hour to take down a gazelle and shred it to fucking pieces. Be the cheetah.” -Henry Rollins
"Clap your hands all you guys up there and you guys up there!"