What if “Run” Were a Real Movie?

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Once again, Jay Z and Beyonce have captivated the Internet with video content.  This time, it doesn’t involve a surprise release of film that shakes the very foundation of everything we know and love to be true about pop culture in our time (as was the case with both the unannounced drop of Beyonce’s self-titled visual album and the now-infamous footage of the Solange-Jay elevator fight at the Standard last week).  But, the four minute “cinematic trailer” to hype Jay and Bey’s upcoming tour does raise some questions: namely, how much did this fake movie trailer cost to make?  And, if this were a real movie, what would it actually be about?  We delve into the clip for some context clues.

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We open with a bonkers montage of explosions, police chases, Beyonce shoving a stripper, Jay pointing a gun at the camera, bullets flying, cash being thrown – it’s like Scandal as written and directed by Quentin Tarantino.  Also, what up, Jake Gyllenhaal?

What we learn: Jay and Bey are living a high-risk lifestyle of crime and associating with some unsavory characters.  The film is called “Run.”

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Next, Jay is in a strip club with Sean Penn (where I imagine you can usually find Sean Penn when he’s not in Haiti).  Jay says the following, which makes zero sense: “I remember this one time you told me when the shit gets bigger than the cat, get rid of the cat.”  Shouldn’t you keep the cat and get rid of the shit?  Or are you getting rid of the cat because you also want to get rid of the shit?  What actually is the shit that we’re discussing here?

What we learn: Sean Penn had some free time recently.

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There’s a police chase.  Bey is shooting a giant gun from the back of a convertible while Jay drives.  Their masks are hiked up above their faces.  This is followed by clips of fake Mexican passports and a helicopter.

What we learn: Jay and Bey are partners in this crime business.  They have enough concern about concealing their identities to obtain Mexican passports, but not enough to find a car with a roof as their getaway vehicle, or to use masks in the appropriate way when one is trying to obscure one’s face.

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Don Cheadle and Jay smoke cigars and talk about how they’re both not nervous while raising suspicions about one another.

What we learn: Trust no one in this high stakes world!  Not even the proprietor of the Hotel Rwanda!

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Jake Gyllenhaal makes crazy eyes and gets in an elevator.

What we learn: Literally nothing.

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Beyonce shoves somebody wearing an OFF-WHITE by Virgil Abloh jacket, walks away from an explosion and has a heart to heart with Blake Lively, who tells her she knows “what’s going on.”  That makes one of us, Blake!  Blake also says “It’s not you,” which is normally what you say when someone is grouchy or sends a curt business email, not when someone owns 14 guns and uses them to kill cops, but whatevs.  “What happens when it hits the fan?” she asks.

What we learn: Beyonce is a good girl turned bad, thanks to Jay.  After multiple explosions, high speed car chases and stripper fights, Blake is still waiting for it to “hit the fan.”  High tolerance, that one.

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Emmy Rossum is a glamorous policewoman, chasing Beyonce down an alley in full make up.  She shoots.  She misses.

What we learn: I’d probably live a life of crime, too, if Emmy Rossum: Policewoman were the only thing stopping me.

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Beyonce rides on the back of a motorcycle in a wedding gown and veil, while Jay drives off into the desert.  They love each other, and when Beyonce asks if Jay trusts her, he kisses her.  Sean Penn warns him not to hurt her.  Jay says he needs “one more.”

What we learn: Turns out Jay can trust someone - Beyonce!  And maybe Sean Penn, too, since he appears to be giving sage but confusing advice, like a debauched Yoda of the criminal underworld, if you will.  A Rafiki of the titty bar of sorts.  Additionally: everyone knows “one last job” is always the one that ends up in a shambles, Jay!  Don’t they at least have free HBO in that ramshackle motel you’re holed up in?

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Beyonce stands in a police line-up with Kidada and Rashida Jones.

What we learn: Beyonce ultimately is the one who gets arrested for an as-yet-undefined crime.  Blake Lively warned you about this, Bey.  You should have listened to Blake Lively – a sentence no one has ever said before in the history of speaking.

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While police surveillance tapes roll, Sean Penn has nonsensical monologue, laden in metaphors about BBQ and grass and powder that I don’t quite understand.

What we learn: Honestly, I have no idea other than confirming the coppers are 100% on to them.  Is Sean Penn wearing a wire?  Back to trusting only Beyonce, I guess.

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Here we go: Jay and Bey rob a very fancy bank!  They’re using their masks correctly!  They’re wearing white suits, befitting of the rococo bank interior!  Beyonce is only wearing a bra under hers!  They shoot a bunch of people!

What we learn:  So…in conclusion: this is a trailer for a fake movie about a bank robbery.  That is all.  DID YOU BUY YOUR TOUR TICKETS YET?!?

Thesis: The Real Power of Beyonce is Her Ability to Transcend Her Frequent Bouts of Cheesiness and Still Be the Best

Supporting Points:

  • She was in an Austin Powers sequel
  • She wore a peasant top on an album cover
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  • She has a song called “Freakum Dress”
  • She named her daughter Blue
  • Kelly Rowland is her best friend
  • She insists on using an accent mark in her name, even though no one else in the free world acknowledges it or needs it for pronunciation purposes
  • Sometimes she posts poems on Instagram
  • She made an HBO documentary about her life and named it “Life is But a Dream”
  • She voiced a character in the animated feature “Epic”
  • She’s a Golden Globe nominee
  • She recorded a duet with latter day Shakira
  • She has an alter ego
  • Her alter ego has a last name
  • Her alter ego’s last name is Fierce
  • She has a spoken word track on her debut album called “Beyonce Interlude”
  • Three words: House of Dereon
  • She knows Chris Martin

Conclusion:

  • Still the best.

People I Do Not Understand: A List

10.) Guy Fieri

9.) Arcade Fire

8.) Josh Groban, Actor

7.) Josh Groban, Singer

6.) Merchant Marines

5.) Adults Who Get Really Excited About Halloween

4.) French Canadians

3.) People Who Bought Physical Copies of Katy Perry’s PRISM

2.) Whoever Keeps Greenlighting Commercials for Bush Beans with That Talking Dog for the Past 15 Years

1.) Children

Kelela, via T Magazine.

Kelela, via T Magazine.

Real Life Excerpts from a MarketWatch Article on Giraffes

From Move Over Cats, Giraffes are the New It-Animals

"Giraffes are the perfect choice — they’re not perceived as leaning masculine (like lions or sharks) or feminine (like horses)."


"If anything, some say, the giraffe is overdue for the larger fame it’s enjoying of late."

“‘It’s a really easy unisex animal,’ says Ali Wing, founder of Giggle.com”

"On top of that, as an animal with African roots, the giraffe fits perfectly into our growing global consciousness."

“‘Giraffes are definitely a top-five animal,’ says Chris Gober.”

"Lettuce is the giraffe’s snack of choice."

"Sophie the Giraffe, a French-made teething toy in the shape of the animal…is so popular that the number of teethers sold actually tops the number of children born."

"As Houston Zoo spokesman Brian Hill says, it’s a bit hard to top the giraffe — literally."

A Synopsis of Don Jon Based on the Only Parts of the Movie During Which I was Awake

Don Jon is a movie about Joseph Gordon Levitt and Scarlett Johansson having sex without ever actually getting naked onscreen.  It’s also a movie during which I was only awake for approximately 35 cumulative minutes.  Had I known about the aforementioned lack of nudity, I probably would have just stayed home and slept in my actual bed rather than dozing off in a crowded theater in between my friend and a stranger in a performance fleece.

JGL plays the titular Don Jon, someone who I thought lived in Staten Island but then learned actually lives in New Jersey.  As someone who spent a considerable amount of my formative life in the Garden State, I cannot locate this particular part of New Jersey that is home to people who look and sound like that, but I will take JGL’s word for it.

Don Jon has a job although we don’t know what it is.  He has a car and we know he isn’t racist because his best friend is black.  His other best friend is basically Turtle from Entourage. In any case, he loves porn a lot and also loves women, but porn a little bit more.  Until one day when he meets ScarJo at a nightclub and is so mesmerized that the fact that her name is Barbara Sugarman doesn’t even deter him.

Then I fell asleep.

When I woke up, Jon was dry humping Barbara in a hallway and she was making him promise to go back to school?  Idk, fell asleep again.

Then I woke up again and Jon was in confession at church so back to sleep.

Then Tony Danza was suddenly onscreen, his voice sounding like it always has but his face looking like it’s being controlled from within by a team of Lucasfilm puppeteers straight from the set of The Empire Strikes Back.  Tony Danza, what has happened?  Also, Brie Larson plays Jon’s sister and is too good to be in a role where she sits silently the whole time and types on her phone.  It was all so disconcerting that I began to do that thing where you start to fall asleep and your head bobs and you jerk it awake again, except I let myself fall asleep. No jerking.

Speaking of, the movie is littered with shots of JGL masturbating with abandon (from the waist up), like so many used Kleenex in an Ikea trash bin.  That was often my cue to rests my eyes, because once you’ve seen JGL’s tense, drama-school-exercise masturbation face once, you’ve really seen it enough.

The next thing I knew, Julianne Moore was making out with Don Jon behind a pillar outside of night school, so I must have been out for awhile, because I have no idea how that happened or where Barbara Sugarman went.

Sometimes Julianne Moore is awesome in movies, and sometimes she’s just the kind of lady who looks like she works at a vegan food store and has breath that smells of warm soy milk.  Unfortunately, for the 10 minutes of screen time I saw featuring Julianne, she seemed real lactose-adverse.

At one point she taught JGL how to make love (as opposed to have sex) and they stared in each others’ eyes for awhile and she never took off her chambray tunic, which is SO WEIRD.  Who doesn’t take off their chambray tunic when they’re making love?  I can see leaving your chambray tunic on if you’re just having a quickie with someone you met at the health food store, but if you’re so love with someone that you want to look them in the eye and teach them what it means to be a man while they whimper-cum, then you definitely want to remove your chambray tunic.  It just doesn’t make sense, so I fell asleep again out of sheer disgust.

Next thing I know, house lights were on and credits rolling to Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, which was by far the best two cognizant minutes I had all night.

In summation: Don Jon is a movie.  I have no idea if it’s good or bad, so maybe see it and decide for yourself?

Or don’t, whatever.

(Source: doctortaco)

Oh, RiRi.

Oh, RiRi.